Saturday, 6 October 2012

Rules and Regulations

Villains and creators of villains, I would like to draw your attention to some of the new League of Ultimate Evil (UE) regulations floating about (not to mention those spherical things with all the eyes. Who put those there?) Failure to comply with them could result in exposure to liability, or at least to the Big Red Eye’s gaze of doom.


1.      In response to a campaign from the Council for Elven Safety, it has been decreed that all dungeons, pits of doom and castles should provide protection for their little pointy ears. Noise in the workplace can be a real hazard. And if they happen not to notice your minions creeping up as a result, that’s their problem.

2.      Chronomancers, mad scientists and possessors of wormholes, please note that the latest UE working time directives limit the working week to no more than three hundred hours.

3.      Please note that night school qualifications are no longer acceptable for Stage Two and above Minion positions (Knight School ones may be, at the discretion of your Inhuman Resources department). Only degrees from accredited universities are appropriate for Stage Four and above. These include the University of General Griminess, Black Pit of Doom University, and the University of Hull. No, we don’t know why either.

4.      Blades of Infinite Sharpness must now be clearly labelled “caution, may be sharp” in elven runes. Alternatively, corks for the end may be provided.

5.      All Things must be correctly classified according to type. If you need assistance with this, UE qualified inspectors will be happy to help, though they would appreciate it if you were happy to help them after they’re eaten by the Things.

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