Friday, 15 June 2012

Ex Heroes

Although I can’t see why any character would want to give up on hero-ing (the privation, the daily risk of death, the hate mail from the giant newt preservation society), here are a few suggestions for potential careers for those who do.

1.      PE teacher. Let’s face it, most of the ones we remember have essentially the same approach as the average barbarian hero faced with a rampaging horde, which is to get stuck in and stop whining just because you happen to have been beheaded.

2.      Underwear model. Let’s face it, many of the more traditional types have been more or less doing this unpaid anyway.

3.      Translator. Because somehow, the heroes of the story never seem to have any trouble communicating with anyone, up to and including twenty headed Things.

4.      Tax collector. Because they’ve tried taking riches from wealthy merchants, wizards and overlords in every other known way.

5.      After dinner speaker. Because it’s one of the traditional careers open to those who have retired from a very physical pursuit. Just don’t let them tell the story about having to eat everyone’s legs in the Great Siege before dessert.

6.      Commentator. Why go around having adventures when you can sit outside the dungeon observing everything via crystal ball connection and commenting on how Thrag the Pointless is using completely the wrong grip with that double headed axe.


Kittie Howard said...

Your suggestions really brought a chuckle! Love your creativity, especially about the commentator. Lots of those around.

Susan Kane said...

This reminds me of "Hook", where Peter Banning/Pan (Robin Williams) has a verbal dual with Rufio. Williams calls him, "...substitute math teacher..." or some such. That would be a good career for those hate-mailers.