Wednesday, 25 April 2012

V is for...

I’m sure quite a few people are doing Villainy today, so I thought I’d start with a few rules for beginning villains, taken from The Big Red Eye’s Book of Villainous Etiquette:

1. Black goes with everything, except on dark nights when all of your horde have weapons in their hands. Then, it just ends up red anyway.
2. Remember that henchmen are the ones who lick your boots, caper, and say “yeth marrrster!” If they’re wearing a morning suit and quoting the classics, you have the wrong sort.
3. When unwanted guests call round, it is impolite to keep them waiting. Except in the big pit with spikes.
4. Remember that while minions are easy to replace (most theatrical agents can help here) High Priests of Generic Evil, Lord Viziers and other higher grade staff require at least one week’s notice before beheading.
5. When imprisoning heroes, it is considered good form to ensure that the keys are in the possession of your stupidest hench-creature. After all, you won’t be able to battle them again tomorrow, otherwise.
6. When invading foreign nations of mindless goody-two-shoes-ness, please check with other adjoining evil overlords so that the place isn’t double booked. We don’t want a repeat of the ‘twenty hordes’ fiasco, do we?


L.G.Smith said...

I admit I did not know about the one week notice rule for those higher-ups within my clutches. I'm afraid I've been dispatching these enemies almost instantaneously. I hope I haven't ruined my chances of being invited to the summer Villain-fest.

Oh, dear, now I feel I must savage a few minions to clear my mind on the matter.

Donna B. McNicol said...

Just found your blog, HAVE to follow anyone named Stu (I'm married to one).

I can see that I'm going to have fun reading backwards in your A to Z.

Christine Rains said...

That was so much fun! Important things to remember.

Jeremy Bates said...

Wait a sec, you didn't do the rules for henchwomen. lol

Dawn Embers said...


I have a book on villain-y stuff. It's very amusing.