Tuesday, 24 April 2012

U is for...

Underground, which is where so many fantasy adventures seem to take place. Which is why I have come up with a list of essential things for adventures looking to do a bit of delving into old cave systems:

1. Let’s get it out of the way. Ten foot poles are obligatory, even though I’m still not sure what they’re for.
2. So is a map, because cave systems can be complicated. For best effects, try one stapled to the wall of an in with a dagger, because everyone knows those are the most accurate.
3. Some means of seeing. Though don’t get too complicated about this. There will undoubtedly be some luminous fungi down there.
4. Farrell’s Complete Guide to Luminous Fungi, so you know which ones might be safe to eat, which ones might try to eat you, and which ones simply glow for no good reason.
5. Assorted shorter companions, who might or might not have a facility for riddles. It’s traditional.
6. Helmets. Ordinarily just a place to store any spare horns you have to hand, they become a little more useful when the ceilings are low. In fact this might explain all the tiny friends in the previous entry.
7. Lard, for when your friend the giant gets stuck in a tunnel.
8. Giant boulder repelling cream. Guaranteed to work. Your money back if you’re squashed.
9. The Eye-Spy book of Thousand-Eyed Things.
10. The inevitable chap from English Heritage, there to see that you don’t go beyond the terms of your excavation license in the process of slaughtering hordes of goblins. You have to protect these sites of natural beauty, you know.

6 comments:

Angeline Trevena said...

That seems like the perfect list. *packs bag* Of course, if we did carry all of these things (also remembering to tell people where we are going and when we expect to be back) we wouldn't have such exciting adventures!

Wendy Tyler Ryan said...

I think boulder repelling cream is my favorite. Do you think it comes in multiple scents?

fidel said...

7 is a good one! Good luck with caving...

L.G.Smith said...

We were sort of on the same wavelength today. And it's always useful to know which glow in the dark fungi are edible and which are not. Never go anywhere without that field guide. :)

A.D. Duling said...

Stuart!

I loved this, very funny and now if I'm ever going to go Underground, I am prepared!
I loved it and just had to include you in my A.D.'s FAV 5 of the A to Z challenge today!
Come have a look- http://adduling.wordpress.com/

Have a wonderful day!
A.D.

John Wiswell said...

I notice no Minotaur...