Wednesday, 21 March 2012

The Hero's Checklist

Before going out on adventures to overthrow evil warlords and steal their stuff, heroes must be properly prepared. That’s why I’ve come up with this handy checklist:

1. Have you locked the doors at home? Remember, while you’re out invading someone else’s castle, there isn’t anyone to defend yours, and some heroes aren’t as scrupulous about the evilness of their targets as you. In fact, why not protect your castle with some big spikes, a few dozen traps, and some monsters. It won’t actually keep any true hero out, but it should at least make the insurance company happy.
2. Do you have a sufficiently diverse party of friends? No, this is not something to do with political correctness. Instead, it has rather more to do with the point that parties of adventurers only ever seem to succeed when they have a balance of unlikely, but apparently friendly, magical beings. Whoever heard of an all elf party succeeding? So start recruiting for that hobbit, dwarf and token human.
3. Have you packed your ten foot poles? No, it doesn’t matter that you don’t know what they’re for. They’re still obligatory.
4. Have you checked the inn wall for interesting maps? You never know when you’ll need a backup day out on the way.
5. Transport. It’s all very well saying that you’ll fall in with a convenient trade caravan or pirate band, but they’re quite busy these days, so you may have to book in advance.
6. Know your hermits. The quality of information given by a strange hermit can vary widely, so be sure to check your AA guide to hermits before you set off, so that you run out of ideas in just the right spot.
7. Have you arranged a haulage company to bring the treasure back yet? Be sure to negotiate a rate while your battle axe is still nice and sharp.
8. Have you checked the evilness of your target? Remember that robbing non-evil targets and beating up their employees may render you liable to prosecution and/or parties of heroes showing up on your doorstep. Only villains with an evilness modifier of plus three or greater are permitted out of season.
9. Have you considered giving it all up and becoming an accountant instead?

1 comment:

Christine Rains said...

This made me laugh! Especially the fact that you included the 10 foot pole. I haven't heard that joke in a long time! :)