Letters to the agony aunt (taking time off from the dungeon at the moment, dearies, but still causing agony elsewhere) in villains’ weekly:
Stupid people wearing their underwear outside their trousers insist on stopping my armies of robot soldiers. Is a little world domination really too much to ask?
Dr E. Castle Evil, Norwich.
Dr E- What you have to remember is that there are unfortunately some people out there who will try to put down even the most sensible of dreams. Keep going though, dearie. You’ll get there. Though you might want to consider relocation.
My all seeing eye has become quite inflamed of late. Should I see a doctor?
S, Middle Earth
S- You could, but just think of the extra fear factor when your horde sees it. It might cause some sight issues, but really, it’s not like some very small people are going to be sneaking up on you with an important piece of your property, is it?
My orcs and I are going on vacation shortly (a little light conquering in the elven kingdoms) and I’m worried about security for the castle while I’m gone. We’ve had quite a lot of trouble recently with barbarian thieves, hoodies and so forth. Any suggestions?
Lord N- what you need is a house sitter. Possibly one with extensive experience of working in the agony column industry. Failing that, just set up a couple of humungous boulder traps. They always work for me.