Tuesday, 4 January 2011

After the evil

Not every villain ends up beheaded by the heroes or reduced to an inky stain on the carpet by dabbling with things of which Man Was Not Meant to Know (like, in the case of most villains, DIY). Some are merely defeated, and have to go on to find alternative employment. Some things that they could do after the last battle, then:

  1. Start up as a fashion expert. After all, black goes with everything. Spikes slightly less so, but I'm sure they'd get the hang of it.
  2. Teach elocution from a small cottage on the edge of a village.
  3. Take up gardening (those giant carnivorous plants will come in very useful later on)
  4. Devote themselves to charitable works (they are generally quite good at getting money out of a frightened populance)
  5. Attempt to calculate the amount of custard in the universe to eight decimal places
  6. Start a correspondence course ('You Too Can Be An Evil Overlord In Your Spare Time')
  7. Learn conversational Gnomish, before discovering that they are mostly just saying "Oi, big person, watch where you're walking"
  8. Paint their robes grey, smoke a pipe, and give occasional fireworks displays at birthday parties
  9. Play with a train set (Apologies, I have just had it pointed out to me by a passing minion that this should read "carefully construct a scale model railway" and would like to make it clear that was what I meant all along. Now, if he could just take the axe away...)
  10. Breed Things for shows (like those retired ladies who always seem to show up with little wire haired terriers at Crufts. Only with more tentacles, obviously)
  11. Whinge about how the world is getting better every day.
  12. Spend years perfecting the sort of conjuring tricks that they could have achieved in two seconds through pacts with dark powers.
  13. Hold dinner parties for said dark powers, to which they arrive slightly embarrassed, holding a half-empty bottle of Chianti.
  14. Get out to see the world through means that don't involve conquering it.
  15. Move to the Vale of Niceness for tax reasons.
  16. Give up the quest for eternal life in favour of the quest for eternal Tuesday (on the basis that they always have cake on a tuesday)
  17. Studiously craft maps with large Xs on them and then leave them lying around in the pub
  18. Start a fund for distressed minions ("Poor Grag was left out in the cold by his overlord. Now though, he has a home with a warm bed in the slime pit and all the shoes he can eat)
  19. Write a tell all biography, where 'all' includes the true names of all your enemies.
  20. Plot your eventual revenge. Retire? What do you mean, retire?


Elena Solodow said...

If there was a 'like' button on here, I'd be using it.

Tina Lynn said...

*snort* 17 was the best!

Tessa Conte said...


*getting a cramp from laughing so hard*

hehe Stu, you're great. You should publish a book of funny lists, you really should.