Wednesday, 15 September 2010

School Daze Blogfest

This is for the back to school daze blogfest, and takes the form of one of those letters schools invariably send out at the start of term.

The Head
St Mungo’s School For Aspiring Evildoers
The Old Dungeon Complex
The Plain of Infinite Desolation

Dear Parents, Guardians, and Things,

The start of the school year is upon us once again, and I would like to welcome our newest intake of young overlords and witch-queens in training to our school. Please watch out for the pit traps by the entrance. The new year invariably brings challenges (the food in the canteen springs to mind), and to make your spawn’s stay here as pleasantly unpleasant as possible, I would like to draw all parents’ attention to the following:

1. School fees must be paid promptly by the start of term. Cheques, bankers’ draughts and large chests full of gold are all acceptable. Treasure maps with Xs on are not. Those children requiring financial assistance from the school will be provided with directions to suitable targets to rob and extort.
2. Children should have the correct uniform, consisting of shirt, trousers, school tie, and spiked black armour. Those with extra appendages should see the school tailor on arrival. Sun dresses, pastel colours and anything pink will be confiscated.
3. As much as we appreciate enthusiasm, please do not allow your child to bring weapons, minions, or artefacts of power with them. Where the lessons require pointy objects and minions to swing them at, they will be provided.
4. Those parents wishing their children to bring along dragons or other creatures should be aware of the stabling and tack fees (see overleaf). The school takes no responsibility for attacks by knights, hobbit incursions, or the banishment of Things from this plane. Or for anything else, come to that.
5. By sending your child to the school, you are agreeing that they will abide by our code of dishonour, as well as the school’s disciplinary policy. No kindness, sharing, or general cuddliness will be tolerated on school property. Those found guilty of offences against this code may find themselves expelled (from this reality, into the Pit of Truly Awful Things)
6. Finally, the school would like to say hello to some new teachers, so a big welcome to our new extraplanar language tutor Miss Xrzlthal (whose name we hope to be able to pronounce by the end of term) and to Prof. Midnight, on loan from the Supervillain Institute. Congratulations go to Madam Vile on her retirement, and commiserations to Mr Snarg, who has been slain by heroes over the summer. Still, we look forward to having him back as a substitute, just as soon as the necromancy tutors get round to it.

All in all, I wish everyone a productively evil year.


The Head

P.S. If no one hands in my body this term, I will be very upset.


Tessa Conte said...



I don't know how you do it, but every time I come by your blog, you manage to make me laugh.

Wendy Tyler Ryan said...

I am not participating in this one, but stopped by on my rounds. This is awesome, Stu. Very creative, very, very fun!

Elena Solodow said...

I think we have a winner...

Mesmerix said...

Stu: I'm so glad I can always count on you for a dose of different and funny in the blogfest pile. I love your work. Great stuff. This piece reminds me of the premise for Disgaea 3 (a PS3 video game). And the post script bit? Fantastic!

Franklin Beaumont said...

Hey Stu, that was funny and thoroughly inventive. I love an original take on a blogfest prompt.

Summer Ross said...

LOL< I loved this very unique and quite entertaining. thanks for posting

Raquel Byrnes said...

Stu, you had me in stitches! I would love to have an entire book along this vein. So funny!

Slain by're so twisted.

Great entry.

Edge of Your Seat Romance

Brenda Drake said...

Awesome! This is very creative and I snorted several times while reading it. Hopefully you're writing a novel around this--totally humorous! :D

DLCurran said...

That was hilarious! Laugh out loud funny with snorts thrown in for good measure. The kids and the hubs looked at me like I'd grown two heads! I'm with Brenda - I so hope you're writing a novel around this! (and can I then beta-read so I don't have to wait so long?)

roh morgon said...

I was already chuckling over the address when I came to the postal code:


Too funny.

Your creativity and humor in this piece are refreshing. I enjoyed every line.

But you topped a brilliant opening and clever body with this outstanding closing:

"The Head

P.S. If no one hands in my body this term, I will be very upset."

You get an 'A+' for content and originality!

Sorry it has taken me so long to review your entry, and thanks for participating in my blogfest.

J.C. Martin said...

What a cool school! How very wickedly funny!