Right. You are...
Brian Northington. I'm in the 'Receipt for a Dragon' stories.
You're the hero of the receipt for a dragon series
Um... I suppose so. If you say so. Mostly, I seem to end up in some sort of trouble. Anyway, Spider says that heroes are mostly adrenaline seeking idiots.
I didn't mean hero in the sense of 'large bloke in furry underwear swinging a sword'. I meant that you're the main character.
No, that can't be right. Isn't Trouble the main character? He's far more interesting than I am.
Trouble is a not-quite-chameleon whose main function is to wander round changing colour to whatever is funniest at the time. He's a lizard, Brian.
Like I said. Interesting.
He hasn't even been in the two published stories. He's in the unpublished stuff.
No, but there was like a dragon thing in the first one, and a sort of basilisk in the next. I thought those bits were very interesting. I'm not so sure about all those bits with people in, though.
Assorted reptiles are not the main characters! You are!
There's no need to shout. Spider shouts at me more than enough.
Yes, about that. When are you going to get round to resolving this unresolved tension between you and Cynthia?
You mustn't call her that. She hates being called that. Anyway, what tension? I hadn't noticed any tension.
No, you probably hadn't. I suspect that might be the problem. Let's talk about your job for a moment, shall we? How are you enjoying putting together various bits of the fantasy infrastructure for P.Edgeborough and co?
It's all right, I suppose, though there don't seem to be quite as many dragons as I'd hoped. Still, it's very varied. I've had to run away from all sorts of people so far. Also a giant boulder. Could we talk about the giant boulder? That one almost killed me.
It's an important cultural reference. Look, what I really want to know is how you might react to having to save the world. I'm thinking of having you do it.
Um... do I have to? I mean, I'm not sure that Peter would give me the time off. He'd probably mean to, but then he would forget.
I was thinking of making it work related
Oh. That's probably all right then. I'm not sure Spider will be happy with it though.
She'll probably be even more unhappy if I decide to include my current "pretty female vampire on work experience" plan
Really, why? I'd have thought that it would be someone for her to take under her wing.
You really don't get these things, do you? Look, is there anything else you want to say?
Well, I did read this great article the other day on the habits of Reticulated Pythons. Apparently-
Oh, right. I'll be going then, shall I? I'm supposed to be putting some new snake pits into Evil Lord Gunge's 'Mausoleum of Mild Disappointment'. He wanted it to be a Tomb of Terror, but I'm not sure it's really possible. Not on his budget...